Wassup'...World!

This ‘Big-greeny-blue-wet-dump’ of a planet, Earth, is acquainted with only SEVEN WONDERS because INDIA itself is more than being a mere “OMFG… INCREDIBLE INDIYEAAAHHH WONDER.” What else do you think am I proud of, my bank balance or my college grades? Hell no! (don’t know what it means..saying ‘cause  sounds cool)

As a proud Indian like you and your neighbour and his neighbour and also that Bangladeshi immigrant singing praises of Mamta Di, I too feel very much about my country. Very much alike the ‘bit angry’ saffron flavoured brothers, as well as the crisp white pajama-kurta –Nike shoes clad Jolly Walker.  There comes a sudden day every year on August 15th when I realize that I am independent and go bonkers either by flying Kites or playing cricket on empty roads or watching the millionth re-run of ‘Karma’ or “Roja’ or ‘Blue Lagoon’ on TV or simply by staying indoors to show our respect to the cause called by the ‘Sons of the Soil’ for Assam Bandhs’.  (‘Assam Bandhs’ are some cool ‘days’ we had the pleasure of enjoying, thanks to ‘those deep-thinkers’, say about 50 days in a year) . Then again, I get awestricken  for the umpteenth number of times looking at those missiles, tanks, BIG BIG Mirchi bombs...in general “Big Wheels n stuff” of our most  honest defence forces, parading down the Drawing Room of India- Raj Path( and the resorts around ) every year since 19??. This extravaganza with mighty politically charged razzmatazz is religiously celebrated every year on 26th Jan. Colouring my cheeks saffron white & green every time India’s Most Handsome Brand Ambassadors play around a few innings of cricket, I swear by the name of The Rich Lord-of ‘the rings n crowns n jewels n 1lk crore moolah’ Padmanavam that I will pay my allegiance to the richest sporting board of the planet to watch each and every production of theirs till it is declared as Real as reality shows and Rakhi Sawant’s confessing torrential tears dripping down her as original Silicone Valley. I testified my dedication towards my country on every occasion since I started criticizing it. So, I don’t even have an iota of doubt about my patriotism and this makes my chest swell so big that it can make the likes of Arnolds and Pamelas go hiding in Abottabad.

Until now you must be thinking why I should be writing about my patriotic acts and believes and make you guys believe it by emphasizing with the weird ‘adjectives’ rendered  through unmatched mockery of the Queen’s language. Can’t you figure out why? Oh, you are right. I want to show off. Show-off. This is a ‘birth-right’ well prevalent from the posh and plush ‘Jor Bagh’ to crammed and Danny Boyelish   Dharavi. We Indians always believe that while we indulge in this ritual of ‘Tandoori’ heating the ass, my ‘neighbour’ should get the heat of it. Dare they cast the evil eyes? How else do you think the 50 Jagrata nights help you? Even the Gods go groovy hearing the parodied rendition of Munni’s Youthful Escapades. ‘Hmmpf...try as they might, they can never be like me’. If theirs is 350 GB my should be 500… if his is 180 cc mine’s 220...smart, eh? That  keeps alive the ‘challenger’ attitude in every Indian. We are very very sporting!

My country makes me proud and it’s not the other way round. Indebted and obliged I will try my best to find any opportunity to increase the pride it offered me. I should try to make the name of my country and the pride of my countrymen fly high.  Ask Paris Hilton, even she knows about India and is as much well informed about our country as the rich-yet-smart-ass-celeb-kids like Sid  Mallaya and his good friend Ms. Padukone. Why not? I don’t think I have to make you guys ‘realize’. Indians are no longer slow…lazy…dirty…POOR or any mythical conditions like these. We are real fast now. Earlier it took a bunch of electricity guys 347 complaints call and one whole day to fix up a conked out Transformer, (not to be confused with Goddess Megan Fox). Now they do it after 50 calls and only 6 hrs...see it’s faster than before? 

As hunger strike is trending, not only in Twitter, but amongst the masses too, you can see hoards of people supporting the cause brought under the spotlight by one Anna Hazare. I won’t be discussing the gentleman here, as he’s too honest and pious to be mentioned in this bullshitting. This strike attempt as you know is against some cause which we have been fighting since it appeared. Accepting money, which we have a name for-Ghoos (bribe), is not a recent tradition. It’s been here from ages. In fact the tradition is so well respected that not even the ‘religious’ Political Avatars abstain themselves from this holy practice. They do cause our Gods do.

Enough of my yippity-yap. I challenge all you there to give me one good reason that should not make me proud of my generous bountiful Motherland. Population? Oh, I knew that. If you go into the depth of it, India always strived to be the Numero Uno. More people make more MBAs and Engineers and Doctors and ‘You-name-it’ professionals that we keep about half of them unemployed just to ‘Show-off’ the world that we are No. 1 when it comes to ‘Professionals chilling their time out’. In fact we have so much of them that we can afford to send a few to the west and justify our selflessness by being so loyal that we give up our own identity to mix in with the host. Some of us don’t even care about our mother tongue Hindi but speak a fluent 100% purely accented English, all for their satisfaction. We abhor the other xenophobic languages...go die you all who can’t speak!

Leave it...you can’t find any reason to make me hate my country, though I am sure that you can find enough to make me hate what I have said all along. Ya! That’s the spirit of a good critique. And we Indians, again as you know, top this habit too. 

 imMORAL: A patriot never Shows-off.